Fellow citizens of America..
Scratch that—let’s be frank here for a moment. I just said that to make you feel as though we’re on the same level, but c’mon now! I’m the president, you’re the citizen, let’s get that straight.
I’m so humbled and grateful for this position. Really, wow. Thanks for voting me in here and giving me the opportunity to change the nation for the better. Let’s all take a moment to thank the previous president for their service, of course.
Now I’m gonna get into the meat of this speech, the part that actually required a speechwriter.
I’m gonna talk about America from its past to present and connect it with a thread of patriotism, which makes you all internally chant “USA” and look at me with awe as you shower me with applause.
I’m gonna talk about where we are or the “status quo,” as CNN calls it to sound professional. Now I’ll say, “Although we’ve made a lot of progress on [insert a random problem here], we still have yet to find a solution,” even though we’ve made absolutely no progress on it whatsoever. I’ll look down at that corner over there and pose with a sad look on my face as if I’m reflecting on the issue, while I’m really just posing for a nice shot. You got that one, Joe?
Anyway, this problem is getting worse and worse, and this is supported by facts and statistics, of course.. but I’m the president; I don’t have to actually tell them to you. Now i’m gonna tell you a hard, but well known truth: people die, and you all in the first row are gonna get real sad about that. Joe, get some pictures of these lovely people. You’re all gonna think, “Wow. That is so sad, how have I let it get to this point?” even though you have no control over it.
I’m gonna build you back up now. I’ll talk about the glorious efforts of the patriots in the Revolutionary War and will remind you yet again that we were once a ragtag army who defeated an international power and that we are destined for greatness.
Now I’ll make a reference to slavery, as if anyone forgot about that, and remind you of how the northern and southern brothers and sisters reunited under a policy of freedom, despite the prejudices african americans faced since then.. but I won’t talk about the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882, the Immigration Act of 1924, or the Japanese internment camps, despite how desperately those need to be mentioned.
Notice how this is the only prejudice I’ll mention in this speech, besides sexism of course, because feminists voted for #MeToo. Almost with perfect timing, at the mention of women I’ll look at my beautiful wife in the audience right over there. Stand up, c’mon. Don’t be shy. Now, wave. Good. You can sit down now.
I’m mainly doing this to convey to you all that I love her dearly, and have not had relations with any woman.
Getting back on track here, I’ll say America has had a lot of problems, but we have overcome them each and every time, when in reality we haven’t. But like a true American, you’ll all clap from pride for your country. C’mon, bask in the glory of this beautiful nation.
“In the future days, which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of speech, the second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way, the third is freedom from want, the fourth is freedom from fear.” FDR said that once in 1941, by the way. I’ll be honest, I just said that to make you a teensy little more patriotic.
Anyway, I’ll quickly go over my platform and actual plan of attack, but not in enough detail for the Republican Congress to actually object to them. I’m just gonna use nice words and phrases — they’ll give me some substance.
Phrases such as: national security, human rights, unity, world peace, global warming, refugees, healthcare, DACA..
Although you may completely disagree with these overwhelmingly strong opinions, I’m going to remind you all that I am your president; I represent all of you—I’m here for all of you.. even though I very obviously aligned with one of the dominating groups of this two party system in order to win, so really I’m only here for half of you, but let’s pretend I’m a unifying force here.
Right here, I’ll make some broad statement that gives all of you some hope for the future: something that’ll make you think “Wow, maybe they’ll be the one to really make some change in this country,” before you realize I’m the same as all the others. I won’t actually accomplish anything, but I’ll blame it on my corrupt congressmen and women so you all hate them, not me.
I’ve reached the time limit now, and quite frankly I’ve ran out of things to say so I’ll just end with these words:
God bless you, and God bless America.
written in April 2018.
performed in Girl Be Heard‘s Indivisible: Liberty and Justice for Whom? in May 2019.